Link Gets a Pet Dodongo
by LittleBlueNayru
Summary: Or, "Why Link Should Never Drink Alcoholic Beverages".  T for cursing.  RHO; Random Humorous Oneshot.


Disclaimer: I don't own Legend of Zelda.

Villain-of-Awesome's fault again. Because he can't just leave me the hell alone and stop feeding me plot bunnies. Serves him right that I eat the plot bunnies, in Soviet Russia or no.

**LINK GETS A PET DODONGO**

**OTHERWISE KNOWN AS: "WHY LINK SHOULD NEVER DRINK"

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**

When Navi woke up that morning, she had prayed extra-hard to the Three Goddesses that nothing interesting, extraordinary, or just plain terrible would happen. She then prayed extremely extra-hard to the Three Goddesses that nothing bad would happen when she heard the screams of the Kokiri in the forest. Evidently, they hated her.

"Let me get this straight," she said, face covered by her right palm (And how, how she wished she didn't appear to her partner as a ball of light, because body language would have _really_ helped in this situation...), "You got into a drinking contest with Mido last night. You drank _double your weight_ in Red Potions, Magic Potions, and _Fairy Tears._ Of all the things for a ten year old to-! _Uggghhhh. Never mind_. The point is, you and Mido decided to be stupid with your premature testosterone and get your prepubescent selves into a drinking contest with magical potions you should only have in moderation. Then, after you became suitably inebriated, you took a dare from the Know-It-All Brothers to see which one of you two morons could piss your name better on the Great Deku Sprout.

"After you lost -_pathetically_, I was told, you couldn't even aim _within the forest_- Saria and Fado had to drag you across the forest, back here, up the ladder, and into your bed, which you _barfed_ in this morning after you woke up midway through the morning with your first -and probably _worst_- hangover ever, and headed out to Hyrule Castle to get _more_ Red Potion. _Then_, as if things couldn't get even more stupid than that, you passed by the shooting gallery as it was holding a public tournament. Drawn in by the 100,000-Rupee grand prize you _didn't even need_, you entered your name in, drank _another_ Red Potion, and took your turn.

"When you didn't win, you thought it would be a good idea to kill the winner. So you shot Viscen the Head Captain through the head, -and how you managed to kill him with his helmet on, I'll never understand- and then you proceeded to snipe, stab, and scorch anyone who tried to arrest you for manslaughter. Once the guards realized it would be stupid to try and force you down, and had gone to alert Princess Zelda, you decided it would be an even _better_ idea to hold the entire population of the Market hostage until they gave you your prize.

"You tried to do this by planting _bombs_ around the perimeter of the Market. And when you _finally_ realized that bombs are set to explode shortly after lighting, -and I heard it only took you about _half an hour_ to figure _that_ out- you went and stole the visiting Gorons' supply of _Powder Kegs._ By this time, you had the entire Market population in a panic, and, after drinking _another_ Red Potion, decided to calm them down by playing Saria's Song on your _fucking Ocarina_.

"It only confirmed the townspeople's fears that you had gone crazy, and caused them to panic even more. You then tried to play the Oath to Order and the Song of Healing, only then realizing that your blatant disregard for the situation _you yourself_ had put everyone else in said panic. So you stopped playing your Ocarina and tried to calm people down by yelling at them to be calm. Nobody paid you any attention by this point, so to gather attention, you put on the _Fierce Deity's Mask_ in the hopes that being taller than everyone would get them to pay attention to you so you could tell them that everything would be alright if you could just get your Goddess-damn prize and be on your way.

"However, you didn't stop to use that shriveled organ in your skull called your _brain_ long enough to _realize_ that suddenly seeing an _eight-foot-tall god of war_ _pop up in the middle of a crowded plaza does not calm people down_! The people began screaming even _more_, and even deciding to run up to the Castle for help, because you went batshit on them. And _then_ for what_ever_ reason possessed your mind, you decided to stop the people who were running towards the drawbridge and Hyrule Field by using your _double-helix blade_ on them, completely and utterly forgetting that that thing fires _rounds of pure magic force_ whenever you swing it, hitting the Power Keg you placed in front of it.

"This, of course, killed the three people immediately and sent the _entire _structure of the drawbridge _crumbling to the ground_, which detonated _another_ Power Keg nearby, taking out several back shops and alleys, which then detonated _another_, and _another,_ and _another_, until finally your chain of destruction worked its way around the Market perimeter just in time to crush the force of soldiers Zelda had sent to deal with you.

"Completely unapologetic, you told Zelda _exactly where_ she could get the money to pay for all the rebuilding that had to be done, and _exactly what_ she could expect you to do about the loss of life inflicted on the Town. After being smacked around silly by the Princess in broad daylight in front of the remaining population of the Market, you pitched a _whining fit_ about winning the grand prize, ending in you bemoaning the unfairness of life and sobbing into Zelda's chest that you _wanted your Mommy._

"Whether it was because of humiliation, irritation, or sympathy, which I find highly unlikely, Zelda finally let you off with a _warning_, saying that the prize money would be used to rebuild the town and you could have whatever was left of the prize. This got you angry all over again. You became violent and insistent all over again, threatening the Princess with your _gilded sword_ and _Megaton Hammer_. Now getting extremely angry, the Princess confiscated all your weaponry and anything on your person that could be used as a weapon until you calmed down. With almost "no options left", you tried to hold the Market hostage again via your _Blast Mask_.

"Which, as I was told, _also_ did not work well.

"You woke up several hours later wondering why you were in an unfamiliar room with none of your things and several guards watching your every move before having everything explained to you. Upon hearing that your prize money -which you won through cheating and exasperating the general populace around you- was being used for construction for the most part, you did _not _get angry, but rather, were very calm and collected about the entire thing. You stated that you still wished to collect any remaining prize money, and so, after deciding that it would be a terrible idea to give you a Red Potion, the guards gave you some _nonalcoholic milk_, returned your weapons to you, and sent you on your way with several severe warnings. All of which you blew off.

"Continuing on your merry way through town, you completely forgot your reason for being there. You went to the shooting gallery and received what remained of your prize money from the owner, which totaled 1,234 Rupees. Pleased with this sum, to everyone else's relief, you took the money and left the establishment.

"On your way out of the first establishment, however, you passed by another establishment that stood out amid the ruins of town because it had somehow miraculously survived your pyrotechnic wrath. It was called "Malo Mart," and besides its bright flashing lights, gaudy music, and dancing, singing entourage outside the entrance, you were attracted to that can of worms by a billboard reading, "Exotic Pets Inside!"

"You walked in. Of _course _you walked in, you're a moron, how could I forget? Inside, you discovered that the store had Desbrekos, Skullfish, Wolfos pups, a smaller variation of Skulltula, several prime Kargarok chicks, some Boes, and a _Dodongo_. Why a Dodongo? Of all the things you could have bought in there, why a Dodongo? _Uggggghhhh. Whatever_. The point is, _you bought a fucking DODONGO._

"On an impulse, you bought it. After getting it spayed -how the hell did you _spay_ it, anyway? You know what, _never mind..._- and collared, you named it _Link._ Of all the unimaginative, overused, _ridiculous _names you could have given it, you named it _Link._ Even _Bob_ is more creative than Link! _Uggggghhhhh_. Never _mind..._

"So you got _"Link"_ a leash, snapped it to his collar, and led him home, much to the annoyance, incredulity, exasperation, shock, and terror of all the Kokiri, fairies, Deku Scrubs, and other forest inhabitants."

Link had been watching Navi the blue ball of light -and she called herself a _Fairy_, what a joke!- bob around the room in agitation, nodding agreeably with everything she said, sometimes zoning out and staring at that interesting spot of yellow on his rug- what was that? He swore it hadn't been there last week... maybe he had pissed there... or barfed? Probably barfed. Goddesses, he needed a Red Potion- waiting for Navi to finish. Once the silence filled the room, he blinked, very slowly, and mulled over what she said. Or what Link thought she said. Then he looked back up with eyes he hoped were very believable and innocent and cute and forgiveable.

"Yep...That's about it."

Navi processed this for a moment before facepalming multiple times, running her hands through her hair in exasperation, and considering giving herself braindamage just to get rid of her migraine.

"_UUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! LINK!_" she screeched, swooping right into his face and swatting him in the nose, in the eyes, anywhere she could reach, while Link ran around his room yelling profanities and Link the Dodongo watched, "DID IT EVER OCCUR TO YOU THAT DODONGOS ARE NOT MEANT TO LIVE IN FORESTS BECAUSE THEY ARE SUITED TO DEATH MOUNTAIN FOR A _REASON?_"

"Goddesses!" Link yelped, dodging another eye-poke from Navi. "Would you calm down? Link has been properly trained! He won't do anything bad- WHOA!"

Link, who had been backing up too quickly, tripped over Link the Dodongo's tail and fell flat on the rug, stirring up some of the dust that had gathered underneath.

Link the Dodongo's nose twitched. _Ahhhh...ahhhh..._

Link and Navi both cursed before screaming "RUN!" and bolting.

_AAAAAAAAAHHHHH-CHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!_

The next day, the few surviving, enraged Kokiri violently drove Link out of what remained of the conflagrated Kokiri Forest.

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Thank you, Villain-of-Awesome, for bringing this Random Humorous Oneshot into the world. You are the father; I am the mother; take responsibility.


End file.
